Heatherloreen's Blog

i am flying. I straighten my body and concentrate on control and form. The hill pulls my legs down faster and my feet hover above the ground's surface for a moment and set down on the pavement--an attempt at grace Eyes locked in place- burn with anger and bitter drive. Fists clenched and arms pulsing by my side. Thoughts fly by- fast, muddled and incomplete. They build and build upon one another- leading to undesired memories- My body longs to catch up with their pace. If i just lift my legs higher, extend my stride, quicken my breaths and tilt my body forward- if i could just carry myself further, if i could just move faster..If i could- would i catch up with my thoughts ?

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It is nice to have a routine. What about a routine makes people feel safe and comfortable? It's almost silly in a way, to admit that if some things do not fall into place within my preconceived notion of a day, I feel out of sorts... Lately I have gotten into a new routine and it is nice because it allows me very little time to think or overanalyze..which only seems to happen later when I'm trying to sleep... For a several hours each morning I babysit a lady's two kids and I remember what it was like to have fun playing with figurines and ninja turtles and draw pictures labeling them "To: Mom"...and it makes me smile. For a brief time each morning, I have a glimpse into this world and it truly makes me miss its simplicity. And yet, as wonderful as it is, watching Hercules and having sword fights while looking foward to a break with some chocolate milk...making a fool of myself so I can hear them laugh.. I am alright with stepping out of that world and into my complex one..The one where I'm reminded how small I still am because I have little power over the day's events. People hide their pain , eyes look up and crinkle with the form of a smile and try to hide the sadness...friends are sick and lonely, work is hard to come by, the past is past and missed dearly...and yet...I am here. I can observe both worlds, and be thankful for them because I am both child and adult, just trying to find where i fit in..

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aug 31, tuesday Today my Dad got some awful news from Lebanon..his oldest sister Rola died. He's quiet and somber and the worst part about it is, all the we want to do is make it better for him.. He's the Dad who always fixes our broken lives and we do not know where to begin to help him... He's downstairs watching family videos from our trip to Lebanon. Arabic fades in and out and the faces of cousins, aunts and unlces whisk by in the preserved memory of the tape.. Part of me wants to go back to those mements and just stay in Beirut...not leave. There'd be no 'next summer', no visit next Christmas...there'd only be political troubles and silly excuses and worries. I wish that I could give him the freedom he misses..the freedom he needs to go and to be who he wants to be ..to be with family that is so distant... a voice on the telpehone here and there and a preserved photograph capturing an essense that has long aged and passed.

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